Geek Outta Here

So, I'm having a bit of a "how I'm perceived" identity crisis.  What is it about me that gives people the idea that I should end up with a nerd?  Really?  No.  I do not want to date a geek. 

Yes, I'm smart.  After spending most of my life suffering from a ginormous inferiority complex (in which I was quite convinced that I was nothing, and so if I knew something, everyone else must know it too) - I finally now acknowledge that apparently I'm abnormally intelligent.

[This paragraph has been deleted by the author]
[Why?  I know, I know, the point of this blog is to get me to open up more, so I wrote a paragraph announcing some of my academic accolades to the interweb.  And I posted it.  Then I stressed out and un-posted it.  Then posted it again, then I un-posted, etc, you get the idea, and so now I've deleted it.  You wanna know more about my achievements, ask me in person, and I will tell you... maybe.]

Anyway, show me an example of something and I will reverse engineer it, figure it out, and teach myself.  I love logic.  I love a challenge.  I'm not afraid of hard work.  And in addition to book smarts, I have common sense, more than my fair share.  I've found that to be a rare combination.  The more genius people become, quite often the more they lack common sense.  True story.  But don't forget about my inferiority complex - I honestly don't have much of an ego.  My satisfaction comes from seeing a job well done, not in the outside recognition of it.  I don't like attention.  I don't need anyone to pat me on the back, or tell me how fantastic I am.  If I like me and Heavenly Father likes me, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the last person on earth who not only isn't seeking, but sincerely doesn't want, Warhol's predicted "fifteen minutes of fame."

To make myself perfectly clear: I don't think being talented, blessed, gifted, or whatever you want to label it, makes me better than anyone else.  I simply think it means I will be held more accountable at the judgment bar.  "Unto whom much is given much is required" (Doctrine & Covenants 82:3).  I think I have a greater responsibility to help people, and that's my goal:  to help people.  Which by the way, will be so much easier to accomplish when (if ever) I am finally able to completely conquer my fear of people... sigh, blasted social anxiety!

But anyway, I am not a nerd.  I do not "geek out" over anything.  Ok, I do kinda love going into Home Depot and stopping to inhale the scent of the lumber section.  Ok, I kinda love that smell A LOT.  But I think of myself as a pretty well rounded and diversely interested person.  I like to learn about almost everything, more of a jack of all trades, master of none.

I don't know, maybe it's my own "social outcast" perception of the nerd that's my problem.  I've suffered enough in my life from being socially unacceptable in other ways that I don't want yet another reason to be mocked and ridiculed.  I've spent my whole life trying to blend into the background, and to not be noticed.  Attempting to avoid both praise and persecution.  But it was kinda hard to disappear when I was 5'10" tall at the ripe old age of 11 and kept growing.  That's what my friend would call Heavenly Father's malicious sense of humor, and what I would call simply - irony.

I want to be invisible, and the Lord wants me to be an example.  I want to hide my light under a bushel, and the Lord wants me to be a lighthouse.

Argh.

A little voice in my head just quoted the movie, What a Girl Wants, "Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?"  Fine, ok, probably right.  And as the movie, While You Were Sleeping, states, "Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan.  I just wish I'd realized ... he was talking about MY life."

And so my task is to align my will with my Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I have had enough experiences to know that whatever His plan is, it's infinitely better than mine in the long run.  But I've also learned that the Lord isn't so concerned with our immediate happiness, it's our eternal joy that He's looking at.  I get it.  And in this 2012 year I've made an extra effort - trying to force myself out of my comfort zone and be what He wants me to be.  Now the voice in my head is quoting Star Wars' Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try."  Lol.  Bite me.  I think what I'm learning here is I need to watch less movies...

So how do I change how I am perceived?  No idea.  Frankly I think it would come as a shock to most people that yes indeed, I do have a personality!

I usually turn into a social "deer in the headlights," or shrink into a wallflower whenever I'm noticed.  And I feel like an absolute dunce when I make stupid or inane comments, after having psyched myself into forced and awkward small talk.  Many people don't know that I have a quick wit, enjoy sarcasm, love a good laugh, and friendly teasing.  But mind you, never at people's expense.  I never want to hurt anyone.  Ever.  Which I know cannot be avoided, because pain is a necessary part of life and sometimes saying nothing hurts just as much as saying something.  But whatever comes, I shouldn't give up.  A Chinese proverb I read once and quote to myself often, "Fall down seven times, stand up eight."  So take that Yoda - you never really fail, until you fail to try! ;)