God's Love

So, I've been pondering this sentiment lately, whch seems very prevalent in our world today:

How can we see all the sorrow and suffering in our lives and the world around us, and still believe in a loving God? 

Here are some of my thoughts, and a couple quotes from good books I've read recently:

“But something pulled her through, and that was when I knew there was something more to faith than just believing in a God. It was knowing him in such a way that you could go through hell on earth and still say he is love.” --Ann Tatlock, All The Way Home

I’ve been feeling and recognizing how very fallen this world is, and that in order to see God’s love in it, you have to back up and look at the bigger picture, the entire plan. God’s love is in a plan that does not force any of His children to follow His will. God’s love is in His gift of agency, that every single child of His may choose for themselves what they want eternally. We first made that choice in Heaven, when we knew Him personally, and He presented His plan for our progression. Here we have a second chance to make the same decision again, this time in a chaotic, fallen world, where Satan thinks he reigns, and we are separated from God, with no memory of our former home. It continues into the spirit world, where we still have the opportunity to choose to repent and progress back to God.

God’s love is in His repeated forgiveness, it is in His mercy, it is in the gift of His Son to provide the way we can return Home, if we choose to do so. God's love is in His patience and longsuffering in regards to our mistakes and weaknesses. His love is in those things being given to ALL His children. We often desire mercy and love and forgiveness to be given to ourselves, but on the flipside we have a hard time seeing them extended to others when they have injured us. We like our freedom of choice, but hate to suffer as a result of the choices of others. Christ’s yoke is easy, His burden is light, He asks us to carry love, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, to extend to others what we would have Him extend to us. In contrast, Satan wants us to be caught up in the unfairness of life, burdened down with hatred, vengeance, or overwhelmed by extreme suffering, his goal is to make all men miserable like unto himself.

Mortal life is not meant to be our happily ever after. We are not here to remain unscathed, to always feel good, to be perfect. We are here for experience, to feel a wide range of emotions, opposition in all things. We must decide what we will become as a result of them. He did not send us here expecting us to stay whole, we are here to be broken. God's love is in the sacrifice of His Son, and only He can make us whole again. His love does not take pleasure in our pain, He weeps with us. Sometimes He does step in and protect us from or even prevent our further suffering, but if not, He provides the path to healing. His love will not allow us to suffer more than He can eventually turn into something that works for our good, when we choose to turn to Him. Somehow in the end, all the injustices in this life will be made right, consecrated to our gain, that is the magic of His loving plan. God's love is in His work, to bring to pass our immortality and eternal life.

I have sorely questioned why exactly this fallen place was the best/only way for us to progress eternally?!? But I know that is not something I will ever understand here. I appreciate this parable: 

“There was a rabbi who lived in Poland a long time ago. I think hundreds of years ago. And one day he was out with his students having a picnic or something up on a big hill that overlooked the town. While they were there, a bunch of people came riding into town--people who hated the Jews--and started killing everyone, even the women and children. And here was the rabbi and his students looking down from the hill and seeing it all happen. Well, of course they were horrified. And the rabbi said, 'If only I were God.' And one of his students said, 'If you were God, what would you do differently?' And the rabbi said, 'If I were God, I wouldn't do anything differently. If I were God, I would understand.'” --Ann Tatlock, I’ll Watch the Moon

I don’t know why a loving Father would allow His children to suffer so much in this life, but I do know that He knows why. For whatever reason, He thought it was necessary for our progression. All I can do, for now, is strive to put my trust in Him and His perspective.

But someday, someday, I hope to really understand. 

After all, at one time in the past I understood a little bit better than I do now, and that is why I chose to follow His plan and come here to earth. So maybe, just maybe, I should trust in my own self a little bit more too . . . 

CFM: Matt 6-7 ~ Sermon on the Mount, cont.

March 4–10. Matthew 8–9; Mark 2–5: ‘Thy Faith Hath Made Thee Whole’

Last week I had a big breakthrough on my understanding of the Sermon on the Mount, with Christ asking us to turn to Him instead of each other for recompense for our injuries, He being the mediator in all of our relationships, and having paid the price to offer both mercy and justice to all.

The verses this week just continued that concept for me and built onto it.

Not only does Christ act as the mediator in all our relationships, but He says He will give to us what we have given to the other party. He will forgive me as I forgive others. He will judge me as I judge others.  What I face at the final judgement bar won't be a surprise, because Christ will treat me how I have treated others.

I'm reminded of the parable of the debts, the man who has his huge debt forgiven, and then turns around and will not forgive a minuscule debt owed to him.  How often do I do the same?

Our lives and our salvation are truly in our own hands (and hearts). If I want no man to condemn me, then I should condemn no man. If I want the benefit of the doubt to be shown to me, then I should give others that same benefit. 

Joseph Smith asked us not to condemn each other - Do Not Accuse the Brethren, "I charged the Saints not to follow the example of the adversary in accusing the brethren, and said, “If you do not accuse each other, God will not accuse you. If you have no accuser you will enter heaven, and if you will follow the revelations and instructions which God gives you through me, I will take you into heaven as my back load. If you will not accuse me, I will not accuse you. If you will throw a cloak of charity over my sins, I will over yours—for charity covereth a multitude of sins." [TPJS, p193]

When we let go of having to receive something from another person to be made whole, we are free to act for ourselves.  We aren't dependent on an apology to forgive, and forgiveness isn't something to hold out on in order to punish someone else - because it just damages us, not them.  Like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I've never much liked the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, because I'm very particular, with unique tastes, and I know most people don't like the same things I do.  I think it's better to figure out what they like and do that for them.  But in this case I think the golden rule is really more like: do unto others as you would have Christ do unto you.  Because that is exactly what He promises He will do unto you.

What it comes down to is: will you allow Christ's Atoning sacrifice to heal your hurts, pay your debts, both the ones you make towards others, and the ones towards you, and to pay for your sins and disappointments and weaknesses?  Will you partake?  Or will you cling to the mortal perspective that it isn't enough, that His infinite and Eternal sacrifice can never make up for _________ that someone has done to me, or that I have done to them. 

Can we have charity and help each other to Heaven?  Because our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ want us back, they want us ALL back, and the only thing that will prevent us from getting there is ourselves.  We are all works in progress, not perfect yet, that will only come through Jesus Christ, as we strive more and more to be like Him.

CFM: Matt 5 & Luke 6 ~ Sermon on the Mount

February 18–24. Matthew 5; Luke 6: ‘Blessed Are Ye’

Jesus' sermon on the mount.

I'm sure there are many people out there who love these verses. But I think I've mostly seen them as a guilt trip, with maybe a cherry on top. I think Jesus sets an impossible standard for the mortal being. One that I've sought my whole life trying to understand, as a person who has endured much ridicule and abuse, and has always tried to return kindness for hurt.

But always striving to turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, and never feeling able to say no when asked... I don't think these things are turning me into a very Christlike person. Always giving, makes me desire refuge in solitude. Never standing up for myself, makes me feel worth less than everyone else. I'm constantly running on empty, while my anxiety continues to grow, and my mental health declines...

I can't imagine that the point of the sermon on the mount is truly for us to be doormats, allowing others to take from us and abuse us endlessly, and we should just be happy about it!

It can't be. I don't believe it.

I've had a huge breakthrough this time around studying this sermon, a giant shift in my perspective.  I don't think the above is what Christ was trying to teach at all.  Maybe it's just news to me, but I see the sermon in a whole new way now, and here goes me trying to explain it:

Prior to Christ's ministry the people were living the law of Moses, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. [Matt 5:38] When you were wronged by someone, the law required recompense from them.

Law of Justice: Lose an Eye = Owed an Eye, Lose a Tooth = Owed a Tooth

Then comes the higher law [Matt 5:39-42] if they smite your right cheek, give them the other, if they sue you for your coat, give them your cloak also, compel a mile, go two... etc., which gives me this image:

Law of Mercy: Lose an Eye = Give other eye, Lose a Tooth = Give other Tooth

And that is where I've sat for decades, trying to understand how that is Christlike.  Jesus wasn't a pushover.  He set boundaries.  He went off into the wilderness alone to recharge.  He cleansed the temple (side note: do you realize this was a premeditated act? I noticed this time that He braided the whip Himself, ahead of time, it was not a spur of the moment, anger driven act), He stood up for Himself and many others marginalized by society, the lowest of the low.  He wasn't always gentle and kind, He offended many by speaking the truth to them.

So what have I been missing?...

He didn't just erase our payback, and expect us to be ok with that.
He didn't consign us to endless giving and suffering.
Instead, drumroll please... He simply wants us to seek recompense from a different direction.

Lose an Eye (or a Tooth) = Receive recompense from Christ

The higher law puts Christ in the middle, the answer for both parties.

Take an Eye (or a Tooth) = come under judgment & accountability to Christ for your actions

His endless giving and suffering makes justice and mercy available to both parties.
After all, if we look back at an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth, what was it actually doing?  In most cases, just spreading the misery.  If you kill my child, then the law demands that I kill yours.  Does it bring back my child?  No.  But now you will suffer as I do.  Another life is lost.  More hurting.  That is a brutal form of justice, but where is the mercy?  Someone (attributed to several) said an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth just makes the whole world blind and toothless...

There are a great many stories written about seeking revenge, two that come immediately to my mind are The Count of Monte Cristo & Sweeney Todd.  I recall neither story ending well, the fruits of vengeance are not peace and healing, but devastation for all involved.

Christ Atoned for our sins.  He is the great Healer.  We often talk about Christ as our advocate with the Father.  That His Atoning Blood pays the price for our sins and makes it possible for us to return to God.  But we don't often talk about how Christ is also our advocate with each other.  He has paid the price for all hurts, for all injustices.  The Sermon on the Mount asks us to change directions, instead of seeking revenge, and retribution from each other, turn to Christ.  Seek healing instead of more hurt.  Allow Him to make it up to us.  Let our amends to come from Him, and leave it in His hands to exact justice from the other party.

Our lives then become only between Christ and us, it doesn't matter what is done to us, or taken from us by another party, as we look to Christ, all will be made right by Him in the end.  Through His sacrifice, He can satisfy both the laws of mercy and justice.  And that should be very comforting to us, as quite often in life we end up (knowingly or not) being the party inflicting the hurt.  Sometimes we will just have to trust Christ to heal those we've hurt.  No matter what we do, we cannot make amends, we cannot go back, we cannot fix it.

Instead of a two dimensional mortal back and forth that brings both down, we have a triangle, with Christ at the head, raising all up. That is the key to the sermon on the mount.  I no longer see a guilt trip, but a message of both justice and mercy, and an invitation to live a higher way.  He asks us to allow Him to carry our burdens.  And to trust Him to make all things right in the end, instead of desiring others to hurt as we do right now.

The law of Moses instructed in all things, I don't think the Sermon on the mount was intended to be that literal.  So going back to His examples of how we should act when... should I stand up to someone or lay down, turn the other cheek or turn in the bully, walk an extra mile or walk away?... I don't think Jesus is giving us an always answer.  I think there are right times for each response in these scenarios.  There are proper boundaries that need to be set and kept, times when we have more to give, and less. 

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, speaking of Christ asking us to forgive, said, "He did not say, “You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.” Nor did He say, “In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance.” But notwithstanding even the most terrible offenses that might come to us, we can rise above our pain only when we put our feet onto the path of true healing. That path is the forgiving one walked by Jesus of Nazareth, who calls out to each of us, “Come, follow me.” The Ministry of Reconciliation, Oct. 2018

I think we have to continuously learn the language of the Holy Spirit as God speaks to us, and listen to His direction in all of our moments.  We need to seek after the true nature of God, and desire to have love as the base driver in all of our actions.  Then we can become like Him.  Our intent can be pure, even if our actions falter and we make a great deal of mistakes along the way. He already planned for that, and paid for it, so it's up to us to make certain His Atonement doesn't go to waste.

"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." [Matt 5: 44-45]

CFM: Matt 2 & Luke 2 ~ The "Perfect" Child

January 14–20. Luke 2; Matthew 2: We Have Come to Worship Him

This week's study covered the story of the child Jesus teaching in the temple.  I've often felt a bit unsettled by this story, I've never really understood what we were supposed to learn from it.  That Jesus was fulfilling His mission from a very young age?  That He as a child was more learned than doctors and teachers in the temple?  That He led a perfect life even in His youth?  That He knew better than His worrisome parents?  Because that just doesn't sit very well with me.

In my opinion, no "perfect" child would have left the caravan and his family, without a word to his parents as to where he was going.  And then, after days of frantic searching the city, when his parents had finally located him in the temple, would he have looked into their tear-filled, anguished eyes and answered his mother's sorrowing plea with, "How is it that ye sought me? Wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?"  Ouch.

The scriptures say they didn't understand his response (Luke 2:50).  Neither do I.  

No, no - a "perfect" child should have communicated his whereabouts to his parents before running off, and would have acknowledge the pain caused them by his not doing so.  But there was no apology given, and His response seems almost a censure - a slap in the face to the people tasked with the unfathomable task of raising the Son of God on earth.

But I noticed this time something I had not previously, it comes in the very next verse: "and he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them..." Luke 2:51

Wait. What?

From that point on - He went with them, and was subject to them?  Implying that in this instance Jesus had not been subject to His earthly parents??  And He perhaps changed His future behavior based on this experience??

We so often say that Christ led a perfect life, that He was the only perfect man who lived.  But is that true?  Did He always do everything in the most correct way possible?  Did He never make a mistake?  Did He never feel regret or remorse?  Did He never need to improve?  I'm not so sure about that kind of "perfect" thinking.  The next verse states "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Luke 2:52 

Hmm, did He learn from His own experience, as we do, line upon line?

I have no doubt that Christ led a sin-free life, in that respect He was perfect.  But what is sin?  Are our innocent mistakes sin?

Joseph Smith said, "What many people call sin is not sin" TPJS, p.193

I would say that boiling it down to the essentials, sin = going against the will of God.  Christ never did that.  But the idea that He too might have had to learn through His own experience a better way to act, brings me a great deal of comfort.  

He learned that He had earthly parents who were also concerned with His well-being, and to stay with them, and be subject to them - perhaps until the time of His ministry, which had not yet come.

In our attempt to become like Christ, it helps to know He understands what it is to be like us.  

I'm reminded of this quote from Sheri L. Dew: "I fear that some people know just enough about the gospel to feel guilty that they are not measuring up to some undefinable standard but not enough about the Atonement to feel the peace and strength it affords us... It's quite the irony—that the gospel of Jesus Christ, which contains the power to save every human being and to strengthen every soul, is sometimes interpreted in such a way that feelings of inadequacy result." 

This is a Test. It is Only a Test 

I have pondered those words, and I agree with Sheri.  

I've seen the crippling effects of guilt in my own life, and in so many others.  Being down in the dumps, when we should be up in the peaks!  

I don't want to be held back by incorrect understandings and impossible standards.  So here's to letting go of paralyzing perfectionism, the falsity of never feeling good enough, and on to finding peace, strength, and power through the Atonement and gospel of Jesus Christ!  To recognizing that my perfection can only come through Him and His grace, and that my life (flaws and all), truly can be an acceptable offering unto Him - as I continuously seek to learn from my experiences a better way to be, and to follow in His footsteps.

CFM: Matt 1 & Luke 1 ~ Leaving the "How" to God

January 7–13. Matthew 1; Luke 1: ‘Be It unto Me according to Thy Word’

My great and wise friend Beckee, in multiple deep discussions about our lives, would say to me that we just need to leave the "how" up to God.  I've pondered that concept for years.  Can I have enough faith and confidence to trust God with the "how" in my life?  Frankly, not really.

When I see a magic trick, I immediately want to know how it was done, I try to figure it out.  And when I am promised a miracle in my own life, I start mentally running through the scenarios of how it might happen and where each road could lead, and then often will turn to despair when I can't picture a single possibility.

{Side note to self: definition of miracle = a seemingly impossible task, so give God some credit already}

Spending time this week thinking about the "how" in life wasn't anything new to me - but what was new was realizing that the virgin Mary and the priest Zacharais when presented with an angel and a promised miracle in their own lives, both asked the exact same question: HOW will this be done?

And the real shocker to me was, they each got a DIFFERENT ANSWER.

(Note: Some people have the opinion, or perhaps rationalization, that this is a matter of semantics - how can this be? & whereby shall I know this? - really weren't the same question, but for the purpose of my post I'm assuming they are.)

WHY?  Why would God give one how? the answer - the method by which the miracle would take place, and yet answer the other how? with a seeming punishment - struck dumb for disbelief.

I am a very logical, analytical thinker, and this does not make sense. God is no respecter of persons.

So what is the difference?

Which was the greater miracle? to conceive a child as a young virgin? or an old married post-menopausal woman?  The former, impossible, the latter, improbable.  Was is the degree of miraculous-ness that prompted the difference in response?

Or was it due to age and experience?  An optimistic, innocent, pure youth?  Or an old man with a long life of unfulfilled blessings, a man who had seen the ways of the world, yet was righteous and serving in the temple?

Was it the condition of the heart?  Did she have an open heart of wonder and awe?  Did he have a heart hardened with the hesitation to hope?

Or did it simply serve the Lord's purpose for Zacharias to be dumb - that all around him would also recognize the miracle, that otherwise the birth of John the Baptist may have been seen as simply improbable and forgettable?

I don't know the answers.  Perhaps it's simply a testament that we have a Heavenly Father who gives unique and personal responses to all His children, even when they ask Him the same question.

But I appreciate that I can relate to both scenarios, being young and full faith, believing immediately that the Lord would fulfill His promises, and then decades later when life and experience have worn me down, to be wary of believing, to react in anxiety, to not want to hurt again when the promise was postponed. 

And what I LOVE about this, is that Zacharias' skepticism did not prevent the miracle.  The angel didn't say, you didn't believe without proof, so it's not going to happen.  I love that God will keep his promises, even if I don't have the full capacity to believe Him in the moment, when I just have the desire: "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."

I think perhaps then that our doubts, and skepticism, and slow to believe moments, don't ever prevent the Lord's miracles in our lives - they perhaps just make things harder for us in the meantime.  And there is beauty in that, where God has shown He can turn even our hesitation and struggle into a witness and a blessing for others to recognize the miracles in our lives.

So by holding on to my human understanding, but desiring to believe, I don't forfeit the miracle or the promised blessing, sometimes I simply make things harder for myself in the short term.  I'm ok with that, sometimes doubting in faith is all I can muster.

And God somehow makes even that work together for my good.

I'll close with a quote I love, from President Uchtdorf, "Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt, and sin that, like an umbrella, block these blessings from reaching us."

So instead of constantly trying to figure out how God is going to fulfill His miracles and promises in my life, I'm trying to shift my focus to figuring out HOW to close my umbrella.  :)

Come Follow Me - New Testament Study 2019

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued a new scripture study curriculum for 2019, Come Follow Me.

Leaders have encouraged that we share the insights we receive from our study with others, so I plan on using my (rather underused) blog as a place to record for myself and for others the highlights of my studies: thoughts, ponderings, and new ways of understanding the gospel of Jesus Christ, that I find particularly insightful and personally applicable.  I hope you enjoy, and are blessed in your own personal journey to follow the Savior.

I'll label these future posts with CMF - and the weekly scripture references that plant the seeds.

 

A Merry Irish Christmas Greeting

The Widow's Might

In pondering the messages of General Conference today, the overall theme I took away was: you can't choose your circumstances, you can only choose your reaction to them.  But I also felt like (especially from Elder Holland) there was a great deal about examining how we see ourselves, and others - and recognizing the reality of how the Lord sees us.  So with those ideas swirling around in my mind, when a speaker brought up the story of the widow's two mites, I felt like I suddenly saw the scene from a whole new perspective.

The story of the widow and the minuscule two mites she put into the temple treasury - is framed in the New Testament from the onlookers perspective.  The Lord with His insight informs his disciples that this poor widow's tiny contribution was greater than all the wealth donated by the rich, because it was all she had.  It is apparent that the Lord appreciated her sacrifice, and that He takes into account individual circumstances when He judges us - highlighting to the disciples that things aren't always as we see them from our limited point of view.  But this time, my thoughts turned to the widow herself. 

What was she thinking as she came forward to donate her two mites?

Was she apprehensive to give all she had, was she worried how she would live and find additional funds to feed her children?  Or did she trust that the Lord would provide, if she gave her all?

Was she anxious about how little she had to contribute, if it would be enough to make any difference in the kingdom, and if she should even bother?  Was she concerned with the reaction of the crowd, would those witnessing the size of her portion, mock, ridicule, and make fun of the insignificance of her offering?  Did she compare her mites with the riches given by others around her, question her worth, and shrink at the contrast?  Did she feel that whatever she gave, it would never be good enough?

 Or

Did she approach the treasury in humility, giving everything she had in faith, to the Lord she loved with all her heart?  Did she stand with confidence, knowing His love for her, and that He knew the greatness of her sacrifice, that it was enough, that she was enough?  Did she care more about the gaze from her God above, than the stares of the surrounding crowd?  Did she feel the enveloping peace of the Spirit confirming that she was known and loved, and that the course of her life, and the size of her offering, was acceptable to Him?


And then my thoughts turned to my life, and my contributions to the kingdom, and how much time I spend comparing my mites to others wealth, or vice versa, and worried about how others are comparing themselves to me.  And how, by entertaining the fear, worry, anxiety, competition, and other thoughts planted by the adversary, or just inherent to the natural man, I am robbing myself of feeling the peace, joy, and love of the Savior that I could be enjoying in this life, if I would keep my eye single to His glory, and constrain my concern to whether or not my sacrifice is acceptable to Him.  Because He sees all, and keeps things in the proper frame.  He understands me perfectly, and I am so grateful that it is His judgement of me that will stand at the last day, and not my own.

Two different voices speak constantly in our heads.  No man can serve two masters.  And the wolf that lives, is the one you feed.

I don't know what the widow was thinking on that day as she cast in her two mites.  But I hope it was the latter.  I hope she knew her worth as a faithful daughter of God.  I hope she saw love in the face of her Savior, and not the sneer of her peers.  I hope she recognized the magnitude of her contribution. Because I believe, as she tossed in her two mites, she showed unfaltering strength and trust in the Lord, manifesting the widow's true might.

Out of the Mouth of Babes: Big Jesus Too

I had a great time with kiddo today at her gymnastics class, her mom told her I would be coming to watch, and she said, "like a show?" - yep cutie, like a show.  She was super excited to jump on the trampoline and show me that she could put her hands on the ground and her legs up on the wall - I had asked her, "can you do that?!" during the demonstration, and she said, "YEP!" :o)

On the drive to grammy's house after gymnastics, I tried to engage her in conversation - and somehow we ended up talking about who loved her (it probably started with my shameless attempt to get her to say she loves me, which she hasn't done yet):

"Does daddy love you?"
~ yep

"Does mommy love you?"
~ yep

"Does [Papa, Grammy, Tyler, TT, Kelsey, Kaitlin, etc.] love you?"
~ yep

 "Do you know who loves you most of all?"
~ blank stare...

"Jesus! Jesus loves you more than anyone else."
~ baby desus wubs me?

"Yes, baby Jesus loves you."
~ big desus too!

"Yes, big Jesus loves you too!"

Awww, I had to document that conversation.  I love this two-year-old kiddo, her matter-of-fact answers, that she is certain in her knowledge of her family loving her, and that baby Jesus and big Jesus, in her mind, are apparently two different people... :o)

Really old pic from Christmas - but she's sooo cute!!

Booking Our Trip: The Emerald Isle

Well, after years and years of saying we'd go to Ireland to do family history and see the land of our ancestors... it's finally happening!  The plan was to go last year, but April or September were the times I wanted to go, and it didn't work out (although mom finally did get her passport in anticipation!).  My work schedule was tough, and we kept thinking we needed to do more family history work, and get it all organized before going, and that wasn't happening.

So this year, near the end of January I had this strong feeling that if we were going to go in April, now was the time to decide.  And to forget trying to be perfectionist-y about family history - just go and see the land where our people lived, for the experience.  I went to mom's house and we looked at dates, I looked for flights using dad's United miles, and nothing felt right, once again, so many options and I wasn't getting anywhere.  With one last ditch effort before giving up and going home, I Googled SFO to Dublin on the dates in April I was looking at, and a $500 round trip United ticket popped up.  What?!  I went to United's website and it was actually legit.  It worked, felt right, and the next day I booked our tickets - we were finally going!  I booked the car rental as well, since I needed an automatic, and wanted to get that request in ASAP.

For the next several months, craziness at work ensued, along with many social obligations, and church responsibilities (and mom had all sorts of crazy going on at her house to deal with too... not the least of which was busted sewer pipes, and re-plumbing the entire house) so planning the rest of the trip didn't happen until a few weeks before we were leaving.  It was kinda surreal - is this really happening??  I was stressed out and mind-boggled not knowing where to go, or what to see, trying to gather the locations and addresses I did have, when the inspired thought came to me to put it all on a Google map, so that's what I did:

Touristy stuff I wanted to see I put in one color, our family history addresses in another, optional points of interest, family history libraries, castles of note got their own colors, and where to go to church on Sunday (that had an actual ward with a chapel building, not a branch in some random store we'd probably never find).  And out of that a pattern began to emerge - we'd start at Dublin, go counter-clockwise around the country and stick to the top half for the 7 days we were there.  This I could work with.

Lodging, where we would stay was the biggest hurdle.  Everyone raved about Airbnb, so I thought we'd try that out.  But what nights and where?  How long to stay at each place?  How it worked, how to communicate in a foreign country with strangers, was it safe?  And then mom and I had different ideas of how long to stay at each place - she felt strongly connected to where her grandmother came from (since she'd heard stories from her mother of her visit there as a small child), and I felt like we should spend more time up where her grandfather came from.

I made the final decisions, and booked a castle hotel the first night ('cause you gotta stay in a castle at least one night!), 3-nights at a traditional Irish cottage in Donegal (which meant extra driving back to church, but less time spent checking in), and 2-nights at a seaside house in Wesrport.  With the last night left open, as we just needed a place to crash in Dublin by the airport - and Travelodge was the likely winner.  With those reservations completed, the trip was planned, and for better or worse the responsibility of it landed on me... but the pieces fell into place, and I felt at peace.  And completely stressed out at the same time - I mean being the senior traveler in a foreign country with someone who has never left the USA before, and having to drive on the wrong side of the road all week, who does that!?! :o)

Christmas Card 2016

Baptism Day!

It just so happens that almost exactly 30yrs ago, I was baptized in the very same font that kiddo numero uno was baptized in today!
(but that is another story...)
So happy for my sweet niece - well, until she decided last week that she wanted me to speak at her baptism and I became paralyzed with nerves and anxiety from the idea of having to stand up and talk in front of so many of people.  But then someone asking me about it said, "isn't that a good thing?" and I realized, yes!  The girl I love wants me to teach her about the gospel I love, and that is a very, very good thing.  The rest of the people who will be looking at me don't matter, and probably won't remember a thing I say anyway.  So happy day to you kiddo, and here's what I said about the gift of the Holy Ghost (since probably you won't remember much either)! :o)

Dear K,

In a few minutes you are going to be confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, and hear the words said to you “Receive the Holy Ghost.”  President Eyring said “From that moment, your life will change forever.  You can, if you live worthy of it, have the blessing of the Spirit to be with you, not only now and then, but always.” (President Henry B. Eyring, Oct 2015 General Conference, The Holy Ghost as Your Companion).

Each week you hear the sacrament prayer that tells you how that promise is fulfilled:

“O God, the Eternal Father, we ask the in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it, that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them.”  (D&C 20:77)

Did you hear the things you need to always be able to have the Holy Ghost with you?

1     .   Be willing to take upon yourself the name of Christ

2     .   Always remember Him

3     .   Keep His commandments that He has given you

Do you think that you can do these things?  Yes!  Will you be able to do them perfectly from now on, and never make a mistake again for the rest of your life?  Of course not!  The marvelous thing is that Heavenly Father doesn’t expect you to be perfect now.  By His plan you have chosen to come here to earth to learn through all your experiences, good or bad, when you succeed or fail, when you act mean or kind, and when you feel hurt or loved.  You can’t live your life perfectly, but the good news is you don’t have to.  What you do need to do is to continue to keep trying your whole life, and don’t give up. 

Jesus Christ was the only one who lived perfectly, and He gave His blood in the Garden of Gethsemane, and His body on the cross at Calvary for you, because He loves you, and this provides the way home for you.  Always remember that through the power of His Atonement your soul is able to be washed clean, to become like Him, and to someday be with Him forever.  Through baptism today your body was washed clean, and through receiving the Holy Ghost, your spirit can be washed clean.  Each week when you partake of the sacrament you can remember Him, the bread for His body, and the water for His blood, and by partaking worthily, you can be clean again, just as clean as you are today.

If I hold out a gift to you, how do you receive it from me?  You must reach out your hands and take hold of it, otherwise it stays in my hands and can’t help you!

Receive is an action word – the Holy Spirit won’t be with you always if you don’t want Him there, or if you don’t ask Him to be with you, or if you do something that hurts Him and pushes Him away.  You have already felt His influence in feeling good about your decision to be baptized today.  But now you can have Him with you not just occasionally, but all the time.  You will learn that sometimes His promptings come as thoughts, or feelings, like the comfort of a blanket, or the warmth of a sun lamp, as a small whispered voice, or occasionally very loud and unmistakable.  Learning to hear and recognize the messages of the Spirit, and how He speaks to you personally, will be one of your most important tasks throughout your life.  You will learn to know when He is with you, and when He is gone, and how you can repent and forgive to receive His Spirit again.  Having the Spirit with you always provides you with precious blessings, since the Holy Ghost will:

1     .   Warn and protect you from danger and temptations

2     .   Give you power to discern between truth and falsehoods

3     .   Offer you guidance and direction as you make choices

4     .   Give you comfort and hope in all your experiences

5     .   Testify to you of the reality of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ

6     .   Cleanse, sanctify and purify your soul - changing you, as you seek to become full of Christ’s pure love, to be like Him

The Holy Ghost will teach you to do good, and you don’t need to wonder or worry if a good thought is from your own desires or from the Spirit.  Just do good.  I know that as you remain worthy, you are entitled to be guided and directed by the Spirit in all aspects of your life, at all times.  I know the Lord will keep His promise to be with you and to lead you along, as you keep your promises to Him. (D&C 78:18)  I love you Kelsey, and I know the Lord loves you, and is so happy that you have decided to follow Him today.

I echo the words of Elder Hales, who said: “I testify that if you are there for the Lord, He will be there for you. (Isaiah 49:15)  If you love Him and keep His commandments, you will have His Spirit to be with you and guide you…  By the comforting hand of His Holy Spirit, He will help you along…  As you follow Him, He will strengthen and uphold you.  He will bring you up to your highest home.  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”  (Elder Robert D. Hales, Oct 2015 General Conference, Meeting the Challenges of Today’s World).

With Love, your Aunt

 

And this is what happens when the baby is wearing a silky dress and you almost drop her!

Sadie's Smash-less Smash Cake

Sadie-baby was very excited to be sitting at a table with the big kids for her first birthday party, and had no problem sharing the limelight with cousin Benson for his 2nd b-day.

I had super high hopes that Little Missy, who daily fends off her two older sisters, would be a real go-getter when it came to smashing her first birthday cake, and I was excited to see it!
Ya know the meme of the blue kid, I was looking for something like this:

 

Sigh, not so.  I think she was even less interested in her first birthday cake than her sisters were in theirs (read about them here), something I never thought possible.  I mean, look at this face:

How possibly un-enthused can one child be?

Maybe I will touch it...

tricked ya - maybe not...

uck, what is this stuff!

Daddy will help...

trying again...

or I will just pinch it....

eew, it's stuck on me...

I haven't the slightest idea what to do with this cake - but I'm super cute!

Oh well, at least the kiddo is a good eater - after seeing her inhale several cream puffs and cookies...

 

I decided to try one last time with the cake, by feeding her bites off a slice with a fork...

Mine!

Sharing with mama!

So civilized.

Bingo, we have a winner - who knew all the little munchkin needed to go to town on her cake was - a fork!

So, the actual smashing of the smash cake?  Epic fail.
Kaitlin expressed my sentiments perfectly:
                                                        

But the party was fun.  Presents were had.  Aunt Teetee finally made niece #3 a blanket.

Cream puffs were enjoyed by all ... who acted fast.

And my new ombre cake experiment was a success!
Love it!

Happy 1st!

Happy 1st little one!  I had lotsa fun making
cakes for your special day!